Dollybelle's Peepshow

Well-being Wednesday: Conversational Bait and Switch

I recently read an amazing article about the art of conversation. Specifically how not to be so dang narcissistic during conversation.

After I read the article, I was ashamed to admit that I am not the awesome listener I always fancy myself to be. Far from it. In fact I realized I often do the conversational bait and switch. Which is the feeling of needing to share how I relate/fit into what my conversational partner is talking about, and taking the ball and running with it.

Here's how that one goes…

Susie: “I really feel like I need a change. I think I am going to embrace my inner Ann Margaret and go redhead.”

Me: “Oh, red hair is so gorgeous, I had it once and I loved it! In fact, I have a terrific story about when I..blah..blah..blah..”

Here is the supportive listener example.

Susie: “I love Ann Margaret and want to shake it with my new red hair.”

Me: “Wow, I can totally picture it! Tell me about the sudden inspiration!” And so on.

I know that sometimes when people are expressing themselves, I get so excited that I compulsively feel the need to share how much I can empathize with what they are saying by telling my story too! Wheee.

While sharing a related anecdote and/or offering unsolicited advice may seem like you are engaged, the truth is that maybe, possibly, it could be….you aren’t really listening supportively.

Being a good listener is actually a goal of mine. It is important to me because I want people to feel valued, cherished and above all, heard. I want them to know I am fully present.

I know what you are thinking.

Sometimes people aren’t really saying much. And while this is true, my feeling is that it doesn’t really matter. They could be talking about Aunt Granny’s toenails for all I care. Because it is all about connection, sharing, and being present with your besties, girl friends, co-workers, sister.. what have you.

Some conversations are a one-way street. And oh Lord. You know when getting a word in edgewise with an energy vampire is an exercise in extreme futility. Kind of like being a toad jumping to the other side of a busy six lane highway. You may get steamroller squished. Back away slowly with a supportive smile.

But not everyone was put on the Earth to suck your energy.

We all know what non-reciprocal conversations feel like. Drainer. But sharing with a receptive person with the right balance of give and take can be sublime. So my plan is to get curious, ask more questions, be a more supportive listener, and stay engaged.

But enough about me, what about you?

Well-being Wednesday: Little Miss Know-It-All

 

Hello. My name is Christine and I am a know-it-all. Recovering, that is. It has been fifteen years since I last knew everything. When I knew everything I was afraid that people would discover the truth. That I didn’t in fact know anything. I just wanted people to like me.

So I pretended I knew about everything from cool bands to neat historical and political trivia. I suspect that people could see through me quite easily.

Know-it-allism is the pesky sister to perfectionism. They are really close. They talk on the phone every night, and like the same boys. They are forever trying to squeeze out their pesky little cousin, "shame" out of the picture. Shame is the last one you want wearing her combat boots to your tea party. If only they knew, that if you keep ignoring her, she is bound to stomp all over your petit fours.

I have oceans of compassion for people who know-it-all, and  I know people who suffer from this malady. I can feel the fear they are going through, because I have been there. So, even when it rankles my last nerve, (cuz lets face it former know-it-alls like to be the ones who know everything, even if they don’t express it) my empathy remains intact. And here is why.

Know-it-alls are suffering from the fear of not feeling important or being heard. They fear insignificance.

But the real bummer about knowing everything is that it cuts you off from your curiosity about the world and its wonders and inhabitants. Being right and knowing everything leaves you in a perpetual state of combat, no matter how subtle it seems. And as you know, internal and external combat is that state the keeps you separate. Isolated.

Not only do you miss everything because you are so wrapped up in being right, you repel people and isolate yourself from deep human connection. Basically the opposite effect from what you really desire, which in my case was deep connection and love.

When I figured this out, letting go of the know-it-all habit was difficult. But the outcome was better than I had expected. The treasure was my curiosity about people became more genuine, and I found that my enjoyment of people and experiences increased. 

I still catch myself knowing everything sometimes, and when I do, I try to soften, even if it is just a little. Because now I know how great connection feels. I guess knowing-it-all about connection is the only kind of knowing-it-all that I really want to ..er..know.

 

Wellbeing Wednesday: The Person I Want to Be. A Work in Progress.

 

 

I have an idea of the kind of person I would like to be. She is fun, smart, pretty, compassionate, kind, relaxed, and writes with a voice that makes angels weep.

She always eats healthfully, gets plenty of sleep, lets things like jerks cutting her off in traffic just roll of her like water on a ducks back.

The bar is high.

And for the record, I fail pretty much every single day at my ideals. And yes, I know the standards are high.

I used to feel bad when I failed to meet my super amazing person standard. Now, I understand why I set these ideals in the first place.

I wanted people to accept me and approve of me. I still do.

Howeves, my perspective has shifted.

I still want to be all those things that I value, and instead of feeling disappointed when I fall short, cuz lets face it, who can be that amazing all the time, I celebrate when I choose any of those ideals in the moment. Especially when that moment is one in which it would be so easy to react instead.

Take the traffic for example. In Los Angeles a day doesn’t go by in which some crazy person doesn’t cut you off in traffic. Most of the time I don’t take it personally, I just crank up the Gaga and go about my biz.

But then there are those days when the affront is so ill timed that I am certain that that dick in the tricked out Civic is cutting me off to communicate his version of “Eff u.”

It is in these very moments that if I can say, “Whoa missy, take it down a notch.”  

I ask myself, even when I am activated, “Can I be fun, smart, pretty, compassionate, kind, and relaxed...right now...in this moment?”

Most of the time the answer is yes.

So I call that a win.

And what do you know, I just may be the person I have always wanted to be after all.

Wellbeing Wednesday: No Excuse for Abuse

 

I rarely go on rants. It is just not my thing. But I feel I must speak up because I am so surprised that not even a peep is going around the Internet about this.

But here goes.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy should be fired from Dancing with the Stars and never asked to return. I know there is so much going on in the world, and the petty behaviors of celebrities are so very unimportant.

But I was shocked during Monday’s broadcast when they played a clip during the rehearsal of one of the group dances and there was a snippet of Maks throwing one of his usual tantrums and stomping out. It was what preceded this particular tantrum that left my mouth hanging open.

He manhandled his partner Hope Solo in such a way that crossed the line from appropriate instruction to obvious aggression. Hope, who BTW I think is also a bad sport and had some of her own bad behavior in the form of extreme passive agression to answer for, but tension and even outright dislike of someone is not an excuse for the way Maks aggressively handled her. The clip shows him in what I felt crossed the line in his intentional physical treatment. So much so that all the other dancers and stars were left speechless, and Derek Hough was the one who did the classy thing and took over as a temp dance partner until Maks cooled off.

Some of you may be thinking.. "Get a life Christine," but that kind of behavior, the kind in which it isn’t blatant but on the edge of outright abuse is the kind that usually goes unmentioned.

And for that to go unspoken, but the weeks of ridiculous attention paid to Chaz Bono’s gender surgery is baffling.

Now I know that we don't really know what goes on behind the scenes, and that the editors are purposely choosing the most potentially controversial clips to share. So it either happened like it appeared to, or they made it seem so. Either way is bad.

I was disheartened to see David Arquette get cut. He was light and kind and fun. And truth be told a better dancer than Hope Solo. But I guess it isn’t about that. It is about ratings. If ratings weren’t king than there would be no need for shows that stage over the top fake weddings and even more pitiful attention to the divorce aftermath of Kim Kardashian.

The good news is, I have a choice. I can choose not to watch the show. Which I will if Maks is asked back next season. I love the dancing and the glamour of Dancing with the Stars, but I can’t take the weekly tantrums anymore, and I most definitely cannot forget the inexcusable bad behavior of Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

There. I said it.

 

Wellbeing Wednesday: Secret to Anti-Grouchiness

Feeling grouchy for no reason at all?

I realize that one of the things that make me the grouchiest is my relationship with time.

I feel rushed a lot. I realize that this is me rushing me. I feel an ongoing, ever present, undercurrent flowing beneath my skin. This current is the gentle nag of time pressure.

I was conditioned like this as a child from having a high energy single mom who simply didn’t have a lot of time for mellow.

So now when I try to relax, I always feel like I should be doing something else. Something Productive.

Or I feel the pressure when I stray from my daily schedule, which I always do. In fact I have yet to actually adhere to the fast paced schedule that I set for myself.

I realize that my relationship to time is skewed toward my usual perfectionist behavior.

We all have a pace that comes natural to us. Usually when we are moving along at our authentic pace, we feel calm, good, and productive.

When someone else sets your pace for you, it throws you off balance even if it is subtle.

My authentic pace varies, I walk pretty fast, but I take in information slowly. And I am very susceptible to someone else’s pace. So no wonder the time stuff makes me grouchy. I always feel out of control.

Lack of control is not always a bad thing, but where time is concerned, best to have a very clear and defined open relationship to it.

Your relationship to time comes from you. If you are habitually late and hurried, it is you creating that. If you are indeed late for something, you don’t get there any faster by taking on a pants shitting attitude. Worse is when you blame others for being in your way, externalizing the reality that you and only you are responsible for. You are after all the only one that can choose how you spend your time and how you relate to time.

We all have parameters and responsibilities, but remember, you are not a victim of time. The way you relate to time comes from you. Keeping your pace is the hard part, but being in your authentic pace is the key to eliminating time grouchiness. In order for you to stay serene about it, something may have to give.

In my case I had to give up things that I enjoy in the spirit of staying serene while doing something that is meaningful to me. Writing. And for me, writing is not possible without a serene head space. So being honest about my authentic pace for me is the anti-grouchy antidote.

La Femme Friday: Who Gets Your Golden Time

 

There are certain days when I just can’t get it together. The evening rolls around after a busy day of….what? Nothing.

My worst days are the day in which I get to the end of the day and realize that I have squandered my golden energy. Damn.

What is golden energy you ask? It is that zone of the day (for me always the morning) when you are at your peak. You are open and thrumming and usually this is when you are poised to create your best work.

The likelihood of dropping in to “flow” (the state in which you lose track of time and become engaged and thriving) is very high. Makes sense that this is when I do my best writing and creating.

Knowing this to be the case, there are days when I tell myself “Oh, I’ll just send a few quick emails, and check the news.” And the ultimate kiss of death for creative energy…face book.

Then the day gets away from my writing goals, I start to feel sluggish and to guilty it take a nap, then the dogs don’t get walked and dinner doesn’t get made and then I am back on FB and asking myself..”What the hell just happened?”

I know this happen to you too. It is unavoidable. As long as there are celebrity fashions and YouTube’s of hamsters running around on piano keys, there will be the temptation to squander your goldentime.

I admit that there will be days in which this happen, but I am going to make it my mission to make then few and far between.

But how?

I am making the process very simple. One step actually.

It is not easy. In fact a little painful, but here it the step.

“I will not get online until after my goldentime.”

I know you thing that sounds a little dramatic. And maybe it is, but the fact is, time is literally our most valuable asset.

For humans, unlike the universe, time is finite.

Everyday we get out of bed and start the day with out life’s purpose in tact and in our crosshairs is a day worth living to our fullest.

I refuse to let my precious commodity be frittered away on Farmville.

I actually love facebook. I love reading what others are up to. But I can most definitely do this after I get my 2000 words in.

I will probably even enjoy it more because it will feel like I earned it a little. And the chances of getting dinner made and dogs walked is higher too. Honor your golden time, and watch the rest of your day and commitments become golden too.

 

Wellbeing Wednesday: Having Fun With Fall Fashion Style

One of my favorite aspects of well-being is looking your best and having fun with style. My friend Erin has a walk in closet to die for! We spent the afternoon trying on shoes and outfits plotting Erin's fall look! She is one cute lady!

Oh, and she likes shoes. A lot!

 

 

Wellbeing Wednesday: Living With Baby Jane

One of my most scary feelings is the fear of lack. Fear that there won’t be enough money to pay the bills, fear of destitution, and fear of un-chic shabby. This fear does not manifest in late night tremblings, and dainty shudders. It manifests in complaining.

I like to call my complainer self Baby Jane. I picture her like a helpless child who can’t possibly be expected to take responsibility for her own choices. Like Bette Davis all smeary make-up and sausage curls, flouncing around in her age inappropriate party dresses.

My Baby Jane thinks she is not responsible for her life because she is waiting for someone else to take care of her.

Luckily adult Christine has the were-with-all to slap Baby Jane into shape.

When Baby Jane starts to act up, Adult Christine observes her with love and amusement. Baby Jane tries to entice my adult self to become enamored with her negative musings.

If she doesn’t get her way, she stamps her foot when the cash flow gets sticky because she fears that there won’t be enough for her needs. Fortunately Adult Christine holds tight to the purse strings most of the time. She knows that hard work and educating herself to money stuff will pay later.

Baby Jane can’t be trusted to run the show, thusly it is imperative that she never be allowed to get her hands on the finances. Cuz’ when she does…hang on. It truly is going to be a bumpy night.

When Little Girl dips into the pocket book on her own, we end up with lots of pretty party frocks in the closet and no where to go.

She is sneaky that way.

Adult Christine a few tricks of her own up her sleeve. She has a habit of reminding Baby Jane how blessed they are. This infuriates Baby Jane because she always wants more, more, more. Adult Christine allows her to have her tantrums, excitements, and dramas.

See, Baby Jane is the personification of a feeling. Basically anxiety. The temptation is to push it away. Resist it. Avoid it. But this avoidance only strengths the tantrum-like power of the feeling.

Instead, I allow Baby Jane to have her freakish tantrums. Because I know that as a human, there is literally no way to avoid anxiety much in the same way there is no way to avoid any feeling. Happiness, sadness, anger. Your feelings are there for you not to control, but to feel. The more you honor them and feel them, the less of a hold the negative ones have on you.

The reality is that if you don’t deal with your Baby Jane pronto, you end up like chair bound Joan Crawford, with beaaatchy Bette Davis calling the shots. Not. What. You. Want.

The more Adult Christine genuinely listens to Baby Jane’s fears, the more she mellows out, and she has no choice but to suck on the lollipop of gratitude.

 Pretty soon adult Christine might even wonder, “Whatever happened to Baby Jane?”

 

Wellbeing Wednesday: Self Love Style

 

I know a lot about clothes. Fashioning the perfect wardrobe has been a part of my life since Barbie got naked with Ken in the “Friendship.” (Yes I had the Barbie airplane and believe me when I tell you that Babs is definitely a member of the Mile High Club...)

I made my all the clothing for my dolls. Bob Mackie was my idol when I was little. (side note: Since I have an abiding love for all of Mackie's muses,  Cher, Barbara Streisand, Liza Minnelli and Mitzi Gaynor I do believe there is a gay man trapped somewhere deep within...that is another post for another day...) Another fun fact: “Minnelli” is in my spell checker. Wondering if Microsoft Word is also gay….

Doll clothes segued into making high school fashions from my mom’s curtains, to Fashion Design School, Costume Design School, Color theory, Betsey Johnson, Window and Mannequin Design, and this whole happy bundle culminated into my career of being a wardrobe stylist for commercials, print and film. Phew.

(Above is an adorable shot of Kayla Carlin from a shoot I styled, that was photographed by Fancy Farm Girl Tiffany Kirchner-Dixon. Dreams do come true! *giggle*)

At some point along the way, I stopped caring about fashion. No, that’s not right. I still care, it’s just that my entire outlook about it has changed because I changed my focus to the pursuit of well being.

Now that I have been on this pursuit for almost a decade, I am back to loving fashion, more specifically ”style”, but with a whole bunch of well-being mixed in.

What do I mean by that? Well, when I think about “fashion” I think of being a slave to trend, spending way too much on the latest thing, trying to look like a sixteen year old model, and self-flagellation.

On the other hand, “style” is a part of well-being. When you feel comfortable in your clothing, you look your relaxed and confident best. You have things that are flattering, carefully selected and timeless. Plus you have a few signature pieces that don’t necessarily define you, but they can cement the “unique-you” part of your style.

The gorgeousness that comes from being uniquely you is where it is at. And it doesn’t have to be expensive.

But it does begin with a practice of self-love and nurturing.

So start there.

You may need to update your wardrobe. Toss out some dated stuff. Invest in a few new things. But before you even crack open your wallet, check in with your self.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I willing to accept my figure and embrace a few flaws so that I can take the first step to finding my signature style?

2. Am I willing to have fun with clothing?

3. Am I willing accept previous fashion mistakes and let them go to the goodwill bag?

 Before you go online and drop a ton of money on the new you, begin with the very first step in developing your own style. Fierce and abiding self-love.

Loving Bob Mackie will come later.

Wellbeing Wednesday: Kiss it Goodbye

 

Letting go of something important can be one of the most painful experiences. We willingly hold onto things because we are afraid to feel the feelings of discomfort, change or the unknown.

I have held on to beliefs, jobs, and relationships way past their expiration dates. Long past when they felt healthy, inspiring or good for me. The reason was,  I had no skills at recognizing my true feelings, and acknowledging the truth of the reality. I always seemed to cling to the “possibility” of change in the situation or the belief that other person might change.

I assure you, the pain of trying to change or outlast a tired relationship, or job is a ticking time bomb to your psyche and thrivent well-being.

I never felt comfortable simply tossing to the wind something in which I had put so much time and investment. Instead I unconsciously wasted years of my precious energy in exchange for the comfort of avoidance.

Before I could feel okay about walking away, I had to get good at one thing in order to have the courage to make necessary and significant changes and face the scary unknown.

Clarity. I needed to get good at recognizing my honest feelings and getting clear on what I really truly wanted from my life.

Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship with a good man. He had lots of wonderful qualities, but there were aspects of our relationship that at best were co-dependant, and at worst downright dysfunctional.

I kept clinging to the “potential” of the relationship. I knew that he was capable of so much more than what he was living up to.

I had placed so much of my expectation on him, our relationship, and the way I wanted it all to unfold, that I had lost all sense of the reality of what it really was. Two people who wanted different things.

At the time, I didn’t understand that it really wasn’t any of my business what he did or didn’t do with his life situation. It wasn’t up to me to manifest his life.

I had carelessly made it my business to govern someone else and their choices, not realizing that those were not my choices to make. And worse, I avoided my own life choices to oversee his. He never asked me to do this. Moreover, he didn't want me to fix him.

All it did was create conflict, resentment and perpetuated our co-dependency.

I would agonize over the quality of the relationship. I had lots of “if only he would ___, then I could be happy,” moments. Always a dreadful mistake to pin your happiness on the behavior of someone else.

It wasn’t until I was in a “last straw” situation that I woke up to the fact that there is only one person on the planet responsible for my life and happiness. Me.

So I dropped the rope.

I chose to cut the last frazzled bit of remaining tether, and decided to take care of my own needs.

I chose to face the fear of being alone, the discomfort of having to take full responsibility for my own reality and ya know what?

When I let go of the “victim” stance I had invested in, and so dearly loved, I was blown away by one particular feeling. Empowerment.

And I liked it.

Letting go means you soberly, clearly look at a difficult situation with the eyes of unemotional truth. And most importantly, know this: Letting go will clear the cobwebs away to reveal your vision of what you really want.

Once you know what you want, you can take the baby steps you need to support those wants.

No one is saying it is easy. But staying in a destructive soul destroying situation of any kind without a lifeboat, or the light of a clear vision at the end of a tunnel, is choosing to stay willingly blind. Avoiding the reality will be more painful in the end.

And, are you willing to sell your one precious life so desperately short? I hope not, because you have so much more to offer and share.

When I chose to face the truth of the relationship, and ultimately kiss it goodbye, I made room for exactly what I wanted. Me, thriving, loving my life fully, and sharing that vibrance with people.

Amazing how that works.