The day Steve Jobs died, I just happened to listen to an interview with Zen Buddhist and death and dying expert Joan Halifax.
I am not normally this heavy, I just find that real and beautiful human connection intrests me.
If it interests you too, then I invite you to read on.
Halifax described a particularly poignant experience she had with a dying woman, who because of a neurological disorder had tried to commit suicide several times. The last time she was nearly successful having basically destroyed the remainder of her faculties. The family had been holding vigil, awaiting her death, but she hung on in a very agitated, vegetative state. So they called in Halifax.
Halifax knew the woman was unsettled by the harsh way her labored breath sawed in and out. The family suffered along with the dying woman, stricken with helplessness.
Not unfamiliar with this type of situation, what Halifax did next was simple and sublime.
She held the dying woman’s hand and told her that she was ok in this moment. She was loved, and above all, accepted.
Halifax kept repeating this, and within twenty minutes the woman’s breath changed tempo, and slowed until she took her very last.
It occurred to me that Halifax gave her something essential to the human process. What she gave her was ultimately what we all seek. Support, love and acceptance.
I know it seems obvious, but I think so much of my own past self-inflicted suffering was created because I was seeking love and acceptance from others, even though I had yet to do this for myself.
And I think that acceptance is also what humans seek from eachother.
I try to imagine a scenario in which this simple formula of support, love and acceptance wouldn’t be the best option, and I find that I can’t.
I think where we go wrong right out of the gate is that we don’t treat ourselves this way. I would be hard pressed to name someone who accepts themselves completely.
Support, love and acceptance of ourselves and others is what makes our lives meaningful. It is what drives us to connect. It is why we are here. When we don't have it, especially from the ones we love, we despair.
And yet acceptance is a commonly misunderstood concept. I think perhaps many people mistake acceptance for complacent “giving up.”
Here is how I think of acceptance.
Acceptance is the fully present surrender to the truth of the moment. Once the truth of the matter is accepted you may take conscious action. Or not. Sometimes the action that is required is no action at all, but just being with an intense feeling.
Sometimes it is our overzealous and unconscious actions that get in the way of our acceptance. You can’t “busy” your way out of the truth. The truth is the truth whether you choose to accept it or not. The only variable is how much suffering you will experience along the way.
End of life stuff sounds intense on so many levels. Even though the eventual outcome is the same, no two deaths are alike. Each person is unique until they breathe their last breath. The last breath is their truth.
I love the notion that I can awaken to this truth now, share this with others, so that each breath I take until my last is replete with support, love and self-acceptance.
I just hope I can not only remember this simple recipe, but also remember to apply it.
If you have actually made it to the end of this article, I think it demonstrates your ability to be able to sit with topics that are uncomfortable. And that is a great thing. Because discomfort is something we as humans typically try to avoid. And this is what Halifax is such a pro at. Sitting with and accepting discomfort. Accepting it doesn’t make it go away, but it expands us so that we are bigger than the sensation.
We are bigger and we are connected.
It addition to being connected by breath we share knowledge that though we take our last breath alone, this last act of acceptance is the most meaningful. And knowing that makes anticipating the last breath bearable.
